I just realized

That's two psychos within a week of each other. I think I might not leave the house other than to go to work and Wal-Mart for awhile.

Found him!

We've been here exactly a year as of yesterday, and I was wondering where the neighborhood creep was, there being one in every neighborhood and all. I figured it was the sex offender, but he's actually very polite. (I just don't plan to accept any future offers for tea.) Nope, it was not.

I will say that it was another common specimen, the Little Old Guy With Nothing Better To Do Than Be An Asshole. We will call him "Felix", since that's one long-ass acronym and I don't know his name. So, there the dogs and I are, walking along as we have done most every day, when DD1 decides to take a dump at the edge of the road. It's technically, I suppose, someone's lawn (not Felix's! That was the kicker!) and it was indeed Bad Bad Zen not to have a baggie. We will take that as accepted fact. But...

So, having no means of remedying the situation, I walk on. Dogs and I turn around, come back, Felix confronts us. He says, in this snotty tone, "So, what's going to happen with the dog stuff?" (Note: Felix, should you read this, "Excuse me, could you please take care of that?" might have even gotten me to go home and come back with a baggie. You might want to try it next time.) I, taken aback, replied, "Um, if someone has a baggie, I'll be happy to..." thinking, fool that I was, that the point was to get the dog poo off the lawn.

No, the point was to weenie wag. And a shriveled weenie it must have been, because Felix snaps, "That's YOUR responsibility! You..." At this point, I am getting my coherence back and am NOT in the mood for the old fart. So I reply, "Well, sir, I apologize, and I will see that it does not happen again. However, if that's how you wish to handle this, there is not a blessed thing I can do about this right now. Have a nice day." I prepared to walk on, when Felix started again. "Well, you coulda..." I kept walking, and said, in my best "Resident, you put that down if you want to see the next sunrise" voice, "Have a nice day, sir."

The Voice has stopped better men than Felix cold in their tracks, and he was no exception. So, I got home, still shaking, as I hate confrontation. I was telling Mr. Samoa via phone about the whole sorry affair, when I realized the corkers:

1) It wasn't even in Felix's yard! Moreover, the actual owners of the yard were outside also and said nothing!!! So, we're not even clear on how Felix got mixed up in this!

2) This has happened before, and Felix has not done anything or said anything at all. Notable: Mr. Samoa has been with me on those few other occasions that it has. So, he apparently thought he would screw with a woman alone. Makes you wonder what ELSE he thinks it is OK to do to women walking alone. I am fully conversant with self-defense and could take him, but is that going to apply to, say, the college girls on the corner?

So, not going THAT way alone any more. And taking baggies when and if Mr. Samoa and I go. Lots of them.

Oh, and...

Tagalong is NOT engaged. Apparently FOHC was trying to pump Mr. Samoa for information by pretending that he knew she was. Asshole. The more I think about it, the more I am surprised that FOHC and Tagalong split. They had entirely too much in common!

MONDAY

That would be today. Lock on side door is functioning poorly, i.e. it took ten minutes and two keys to get it open. IMed Mr. Samoa to advise him of same. Explained that we WOULD be replacing rather than "repairing" the lock. No great disasters so far (knock on wood!) but then, I haven't been to work yet.

SUNDAY

Cleaned house. Read Grendel's blog. (Grendel and I are on speaking terms again. Though I don't think she'll be living here again anytime in the next millennium, I am glad that a 10-year friendship did not bite the dust over the whole mess.) Played Diablo. Cleaned pet cages, much to their glee.

SATURDAY

Mother Samoa actually arrived on time at our house to head to the 4th of July celebrations. Which, she needn't have worried, because 1) there were not ONE, but TWO accidents creating a bottleneck outside of Deliverance City, which does NOT have a bypass 2) I got the time of the parade wrong anyway. Oh well, lunch was good and Mother Samoa behaved well. We did procure her shoes, though we had to special-order them as she needed Velcro closures. Got to see Caroline, who is starting to look pregnant finally. She's going to be one of those disgusting people who loses the baby weight in 30 seconds or less, methinks.

Catching up again- FRIDAY

We went and picked up the car. Alas, the left front wheel bearing is *still* making odd noises, but we will be taking it to a mechanic of OUR choice to fix this. It's still under warranty, so hopefully we won't get soaked too badly. Made deviled eggs for 4th July celebration in Hometown. (Which was Saturday. I don't get it either.)

Yeah, what *is* wrong with people?

The Queen of the World lives in Bugpit. I had been unaware of HRH's exalted presence before today, when Bob the Client had a doctor's appointment in Death Central Medical Building. Apparently, Bob in his wheelchair and I with my limp cut too close to HRH's royal path during our beeline to the elevator. Because, what should we hear next but the following.

" What the fuck is WRONG with people! Fucking cutting in front of other people and blah blah blah [insert your favorite invective of choice here, it's fairly interchangeable]. " And ON and ON and ON as her consort, who looked like he was about to slash his own wrists from embarrassment, dragged her out of the building.

Bob and I chose not to confront the Queen, feeling that no good could come of attempting to reason with an insane woman. However, we did feel that she presented an entirely accurate question. What the fuck IS wrong with someone who would throw a screeching fit at a mentally retarded guy in a wheelchair being pushed by someone with an obvious limp, anyways?

I can has car!

I have procured a car! It is a 2003 Saturn Vue, much like this one: http://www.motortrend.com/used_cars/14/2003/saturn/vue/base/connecticut/bridgeport/219304915/113/index.html

We pick it up either tomorrow or Wednesday. I am most excited.

In other news, rumor has it that Tagalong has indeed gotten engaged. Not, if it is in fact true, that she has bothered to tell her brother. Bitch. Her fiance is actually a really nice guy. Poor SOB.

I won!

So I bought a box of Fruit Roll-Ups. I bought these because I like very much to eat them. I did not, at any time, observe the promotional packaging. So, it came to pass that I ate the last one. I was reaching down into the box to get it, when I saw a packet stuck to the side of the box. I pried it off, and as I was prying it off I saw the promotional packaging. I had won a $5 cash card! And I had no idea! I just wanted the Fruit Roll-Ups! I think I am going to spend my windfall on paring down my Amazon wish list.

Automotive follies

So Dad Cake, father of myself, managed to wreck his truck.

He was, apparently, headed to a party in The Sticks, which is on a curvy highway. He went off the berm, overcorrected, and hit a telephone pole. Dad is undamaged, but the same cannot, alas, be said for his truck, which was a dead loss. Now, Mom and Dad cannot really afford a new vehicle, and this would put them down to one. So, Lovely Self got to thinking.

My car title is in Dad's name, because it was bought back in the day before I had a credit rating. We have never gotten around to getting it switched out. There is a car lot in Podunkville, where I work, that has a yellow Ford Escape on it that I have been lusting after for some time, and we can afford a new vehicle, as long as I don't go nuts and get an '08 Cayenne or something. It seemed to me, then, that the best thing to do would be for me to get a new car, and give my current one back to Dad. I called Mom and Dad and advised them of same, and they sounded rather relieved. So, on to car shopping. Which should be quite the trip with Mr. Samoa on board. :P But that's another post!

Oh, what a busy weekend

Saturday basically consisted of Mr. Samoa and myself getting into it over a party. He wanted to go. I did not. I also did not have a problem with him going by himself, but this Would Not Do. I had to go, he felt. As it turned out, he was having yet another bout of "But it is healthy to socialize! Zen must socialize!" No, Zen must not socialize. Zen must NAP. Zen is TIRED. Also Zen would like some sushi.

Zen won that round, finally, as I had a monster fibroflare. I wound up having a snack of Ultram, and then getting my sushi and going to Goody's for some retail therapy. Annnddd.... I had a good time at the mall, Mr. Samoa had a good time at the party, and everyone lived happily ever after! Who'd have thunk it!

You know who you are

And you know what you did.

I will just say this. I do not have a sister, and the only sister-in-law I have is a psycho hosebeast. I would give my left eyeball to have a sister as great as yours. Consequently, you had better get your shit together and treat her a hell of a lot better than you currently are.


That is all.

THURSDAY

$272.79 worth of canned goods is really really heavy, as it turns out. At least residents will not be going hungry. Still more mulberries.

(Whew! All caught up! Now to stay that way...)

WEDNESDAY

Wednesday would be Migraines Suck Day. It also sucks when a resident has a tantrum at the grocery store, and all you can think of is how much it feels like your head is going to blow off.

TUESDAY

More resident haircuts. They no longer resemble Cousin Itt. Picked more mulberries. (Yes, I did recently discover the mulberry tree, why?)

MONDAY

Took resident to Nearby City for his doctor's appointment. Doctor is an ass. Picked mulberries.

Bad bad blogger!

I see that I am further behind than I thought. :P Now for a posting frenzy to catch up!

Fun things you can do if you are dumb

First, learn that your backyard has a mulberry tree in it. Upon learning this, develop intense need to make mulberry jam. Climb ladder to get mulberries. Succeed, but fall off ladder halfway down, landing on a trigger point. Wait with bated breath for what that is going to feel like tomorrow.

(Note: I did NOT drop the mulberries!)

Father's Day Follies

We will be going to my parents' in a bit and we went to the Samoas yesterday. Mother Samoa was kind of halfheartedly trying to defend Tagalong (in the "It's my kid... but that was rotten... but it's my kid..." kind of way). I've pretty much concluded that Mr. Samoa is a changeling.

Tagalong

Is a disgusting, revolting excuse for a human being. The following, from the IM conversation wherein I was telling Grendel about it:

Yeah. Background: Daisy'sDad (FOHC) has been sick. Like, ICU-near-death sick.\
Zen: So, they were able to patch him up and he is ok. But, Tagalong's response TO HIM: "You can't die. If you do I'll get stuck with Daisy all the time!"
Zen: Oh, and:
Zen: She is going to Niagara Falls with her boyfriend this weekend and FOHC is keeping Daisy. She said, "He owes me after I had to watch her while he was sick." (Oh, he was sick all right. IN THE ICU !!!)

I do not know how Mr. Samoa is even related to her. I do not even know how Mother Samoa and Dad Samoa are, because, while they are flawed like all humans, they're not like THAT. She is just disgusting. That is all I can say.

You may notice today's date

Mr. Samoa certainly did. Today is the day of his Big Presentation at work. So, what should happen but he forgets to turn his alarm on. He woke up at 7:30, needing to be at work at 8. Fortunately, he took a shower last night and his commute is only about 10 minutes. He sprinted about, shaving and brushing his teeth, whilst I laid out his dress clothes. We got him out the door at 7:50 on the nose. Yay us! (I swear I'm going to start setting my own alarm on Very Very Important days. :P )

Mowed over

So finally I cracked and agreed that Mr. Samoa could get a gas-powered lawnmower rather than the reel mower we already had. Smiley Face Big Box had a sale, so we got one pretty cheap. He can now mow the lawn with it in half the time of the old one.

"Surely he will stop complaining about mowing now!" I thought. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA. He's still going. He's very much the anti-whiner generally, so I have no idea why mowing is special. His "one thing", I guess.

Proposals everywhere!

So it is official! Caroline got the official proposal yesterday. Nothing has been hashed out yet but we are most likely looking at next spring/summer for the wedding and this Nov. for the baby. ACCKKKK, everyone is growing up too fast!

Hrm

So, apparently, Tagalong's boyfriend is taking her to Niagara Falls this weekend. Scuttlebutt amidst those in the know is that he may well be planning to propose.

Let him knock himself out, I say, and better him than me. However, I do not want any part of the misbegotten nuptials, should they transpire. I don't want to even *be* there. Of course, I don't intend for Mr. Samoa to stay home unless he wishes to (which I doubt he does) but I do not wish to attend. At all. Not after what she did at our wedding. (The extremely short version: Caused more stress, pouted, sulked, and generally acted like it was this gigantic inconvenience for Mr. Samoa to get any attention at all instead of her.)

The $6000 question, of course, is how to get out of it. I don't really have any bridges to burn with his family as far as I am concerned, but I don't want them making his life miserable about it either. My advice to all single women out there is, marry an orphan. :P

Weighty matters

Well, the fallout from the Lyrica appears to have been a mere 5 lb. instead of the 10 that was originally feared. Now to get back to where I started from...

Socquiqui!

Socks, Caroline's aged kee, is fitting in very well at Casa Zen-Samoa. She churrs and purrs and lets me pick her up whenever I want. This has been very nice to have this past week. We figure she tells the other cats stories about Caroline's and my misspent youth while I'm at work. :D

Oh, FFS

To anyone considering subleasing an apartment: When you move out of it, you should advise the people that you are leasing it from, so that they can check it for damages. If nothing else, they will be a trifle peeved to learn the news that you are moving out a week early from the new tenant, who wants to know if SHE can move in early.

Which she cannot do. Because your darling boys, Damien and Chucky, have trashed the place. There are nails and nail holes in the walls, stickers on the closet door, the handle has been broken off the freezer (HOW???), there are holes in the walls and unidentifiable stains on the carpet, and graffiti on the picnic table. To say nothing of the smell of rotting corpses coming from the sink drain and the giant chunk of paint missing from the kitchen wall. Um, yeah. You're not getting THAT deposit back from the Zen-Samoas. Not that we could give it to you if we wanted to, because you have left no forwarding address.

(We have exactly six days of having to worry about our old lease left. We are not sorry.)

To Mr. Chris Rock

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for giving standup concerts that get posted on YouTube and cheer me up. More people owe their lives to you than you will ever know. ;)

More of same

Today's festivities:

6 AM: Get up. Discover that dog has pissed on slipper. Just one slipper. Oh, and the throw rug.

9 AM: Stacey experiences unfortunate medical event that, while not as serious as it appears, and it resolves, gives Zen heart attack.

11 AM: Receive phone call from boss inquiring why I told Staffer X that I was at training. Problem being: I said no such thing. Turns out Staffer X didn't write down what it was I did say, and she gave the incorrect note to the wrong person, resulting in a game of "telephone". Find self unable to contact boss to advise of same. Call SaneStaff and advise her of the story. No further phone calls result, so assume SaneStaff has fixed it.

7:15 AM-2:45 PM: Stacey is experiencing "bad day" with her condition. There is not a damn thing I, or anyone else, can do about this, nor does she expect us to. This is the really frustrating part.

4:15 PM: Call Mr. Samoa. Mr. Samoa is in a meeting, but for some god-unknown reason answers phone anyway. Is curt throughout and then says "I'm in a meeting." "Um, why didn't you either not answer it or just say so?" "Ummmm..."

Am contemplating running away to join the Amish.

Oh, and....

It has been pouring rain, thunder and lightning all day. I am surprised there have been no plagues of locusts.

Gurk

My day:

7:00- Arrive at work.

9:00- Receive call from central office. Four timesheets are lost. One of them is mine. Am able to redo mine, find one, and discover that a third does not exist, but who the hell knows what happened to the fourth. This all takes about three hours.

10:00- In midst of timesheet crisis, power goes out. The timesheet crisis is dependent on fax machines, which are dependent on electricity. Outage lasts only about two minutes, or 37,000 years crisis time.

12:00- One of the two afternoon shift people calls off. This means that someone else must be found. This procedure takes about an hour, after which time I am left babbling, rocking back and forth and clutching the phone.

And that's before the part where I was nearly left by myself with five residents. You know it's bad when that turns into the LEAST of your problems. I was never so glad when Stacey's primary person called to have me work there tomorrow before in my life.

Memo to the overnight staff

Should a dayside staff vanish, it is wise, even desirable, to schedule a replacement, as you did. However, it is also wise and desirable to notify the boss that you have successfully done so. That way she won't have to call me. Because I might be feeling generous and go in, only to have a photo finish with the one you called.

That is all.

(We both stayed- I caught up on some stuff. I guess this is nature's way of making up for when we had no staff at all!)

The Drama Llama has moved

He has, fortunately, departed to his native Peru, hopefully never to be seen again. (Though I doubt that last part.) You see, both Tagalong and FOHC, Daisy's dad, have acquired significant others. This has turned out to mean that:

* We do not hear screeching from Tagalong as she tries to meddle in how FOHC runs his household, nor has FOHC been attempting to insert himself into hers.

* Tagalong no longer tries to browbeat Mr. Samoa into fixing her house when it breaks. She just has SO do it.

*FOHC's girlfriend is a teacher, so this has meant that Daisy gets her homework done and FOHC is providing lunches, etc. appropriately. This has also meant less screeching from Tagalong.

I have met the boyfriend once and the girlfriend never, but I love them both already. They have made my life less dramarrific just by their mere presence.

(Now to work on Mother about "yes, Caroline is pregnant. No, she is not married. Yes, this is something to be happy about. YES SHE IS GETTING MARRIED NOW STOPPIT ALREADY!!!" I think that one's going to wait awhile. :P